


When I Let Go

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dear evan hansen au, its a rollercoaster my dudes, self-harm mention, this will be good hopefully?, treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 00:03:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10864881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan Hansen has made his decision - he has to get out. He has to escape from his own body, his own mind. And there's only one way to do that. He has never met his soulmate and doesn't even know their name, or so he thinks.Connor Murphy is alone. He's never tried to contact his Soulmate; hell, he doesn't even think he has one. How could a person as broken as him be loved by anyone, even it was supposedly destiny?Soulmate AU - Whenever a mark appears on a person's skin, it also appears on their Soulmate's.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so there's definitely going to be more chapters, but exams are coming up and I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write, so I'll get them up ASAP! Also, they will definitely be much longer and much gayer so no worries there.

Summer had always been Evan's favorite season. The warm blanket of air wrapped around him. He was one of those types of people who considered anything below 65 degrees to be freezing, so this was a good feeling for him. The long grass tickled the back of his neck, and he wondered if the crushed blades would leave a tiny, Evan Hansen-shaped spot in the massive field. A grass-angel. He chuckled to himself as a tear rolled down his cheek. 

The size of him compared to the size of the field was just another reminder as to how insignificant he was. He gazed up at the giant oak tree looming above his head, wishing that he truly felt as at peace as he did in his head. He stood shakily and curled his fingers around the lowest branch, and began to climb. His breathing was labored once he neared the top, and crying hadn’t helped at all. He paused his climb, stopping to sit on a branch. He wiped his shirt sleeve over his wet cheeks, only to be covered with more tears. 

Evan gazed down from the dizzying height, every broken piece of him yearning to surge forward and let himself fall. Pulling a marker from his pocket, he wrote two simple words on his arm: 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

He pushed himself further away from the trunk, willing the branch to snap beneath him. He felt a scratching on his arm and was surprised at how quick the reply was. 

‘What for?’ 

‘What I’m about to do. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you’ll find someone else.’ 

Evan then threw the marker as hard as he could toward the ground. His body shook with sobs as he lowered himself so that he was dangling from the branch by one hand. More words started appearing on his forearm. 

'Please, don't-" 

Then, he let go.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor Murphy, for what could be noted as the only time in his life, was scared. No, scratch that - he was horrified. Almost as soon as he received the final message on his arm, he was in his car driving to the hospital. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what his soulmate had done, but the whole ‘you’ll find someone else’ thing definitely scared the ever-loving fuck out of him. It pissed him off, too - Connor knew that he wasn’t loved. His family had wanted to be rid of him for years. His own sister was terrified of him. That, however, he had himself to blame for. He couldn’t lose the one person who was almost guaranteed to love him.  


When he felt a pain in his left arm, and a small amount of blood began to drip down the limb, he pulled over to the side of the road.  


‘What the hell am I doing?’ he muttered to himself. He didn’t know who his soulmate was, or even if they lived near him. What if he was going to the wrong hospital? Or the wrong city altogether?  


‘Fuck!’ Connor screamed, slamming his fist against the horn. Hot tears were welling up in his eyes. There was so much he didn’t know, and he had to take a risk. He always took risks; he was one of the riskiest people you’d ever meet. So why was he so scared to try and find his soulmate, the person who had probably just tried to kill themselves? Was he scared that he would be rejected, or that he would lose his soulmate altogether? He began picking at his already chipped black nail polish, a habit he had acquired years ago. After a few moments of waiting, Connor pushed on the gas pedal and continued to the hospital.  


Once he arrived, he parked and rushed inside the emergency wing. That’s where they would have taken him. He walked up to the receptionist and started yelling at her, releasing all of the emotion that had been building up in his chest.  


‘Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down--’  


‘I will not fucking ‘calm down,’ Pam!’ (Connor had glanced at her name tag.) ‘Was there or was there not someone just admitted?’  


‘I don't believe that you have the right to-’  


‘I’m their fucking soulmate!’ he finally screamed, holding up his forearm for the receptionist, to see. The room went silent as hot, angry tears streamed down his face. ‘Now tell me where they are.’ The receptionist stared at him in shock, her eyes wide and mouth agape. ‘Now!’ Connor yelled again. She snapped back to reality and shuffled nervously through the papers on her desk.  


‘Room 167,’ she murmured. ‘Just down that hallway.’ She pointed to her right. Connor started running, studying the passing signs next to stark white doors. He finally got to the door labeled ‘167’ and threw the door open. The room was nearly barren, the only things in it were a few machines, a hospital bed, and on the bed…  


Connor stepped closer to get a better look at the boy’s face. He recognized him almost immediately, but couldn’t quite place his name. Sandy brown hair, a pale face with flushed cheeks. This couldn’t be his soulmate. There was no way that Connor’s soulmate could be a guy. Sure, Connor had struggled with his sexuality during middle school, but he pushed it down as just being a phase. Wait a minute, Connor had seen this kid at school… now, what was his name? Eden? Ethan? Whatever, it’s not like Connor had any reason to care. This kid wasn’t anything to him, just another person to talk behind his back and make fun of him and call him crazy. Connor glanced down, at the guy’s arm, to see his own handwriting.  


“Oh, fuck no…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was good because I kinda rushed writing it during my study hall just so I'd have more than one chapter


	3. Chapter 3

Evan woke up to the sounds of hospital machines whirring and a soft voice above him. His head felt foggy. At first, he had no idea where he was or what had gotten him there. Then, the memories came flooding back.  


As for the voice, it turned out to be his mother, cradling his head and watching him with a pain in her chest. She had been whispering to him, some story she had told him when he was just a kid.  


‘Are you okay, honey?’ Heidi asked, her heart speeding up when she noticed Evan was awake. She had been worried sick; luckily she worked at the same hospital he had been brought to. ‘What happened to you?’  


Evan opened his mouth, but only a few labored sounds came out. He cleared his throat. It felt as if he hadn’t spoken in years.  


‘I… I fell from a t-tree,’ he mumbled, glancing at his arm, which he had just realized was in a sling. Well, at least it wasn’t a complete lie. If anything, Evan was angry that it hadn’t worked. He needed some way to escape. At the same time, he felt guilty for thinking that he could just leave his mother like that. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to forgive himself. “I’m s-sorry, mom.”  


Heidi smiled sweetly down at Evan and pushed some hair off of his forehead. She never really knew what to do in these situations. Even when Evan was in third grade, when he fell off his bike and skinned his knee, and he sat there crying on the couch, she didn’t know what to do. From a medical standpoint, of course - she was a nurse, so if she couldn’t administer first aid, then there was a problem - but as a mother… that was a different story.  


‘Let’s get you out of here, huh?’ Heidi suggested. ‘I’ll take my lunch break now; we can go get some ice cream.’ Evan nodded silently, and soon enough, he and his mother were walking out of the hospital. They started the drive to the nearest Dairy Queen, Heidi trying to have a conversation with her son, but Evan too caught up in his own thoughts to give anything but one-word answers.  


‘You know, when I walked in the room, there was someone already there…’ Heidi said, quickly glancing at Evan to see his reaction.  


‘Was it Jared?’ he asked. Jared was pretty much Evan’s only friend, but according to Jared, only a family friend. Oh, how Jared loved to remind Evan of that fact.  


‘No, it wasn’t,’ Heidi replied. She could see why Evan would immediately think of Jared; his mom was Evan’s second emergency contact. ‘He said he goes to school with you, and he saw them bring you in.’ She laughed, the light and airy sound comforting to Evan. ‘Kinda weird, right? I wasn’t even able to catch his name before he left. Seemed like he was in a hurry.’  


‘Yeah…’ Evan mumbled, looking down at his arm, words written in marker peeking out from beneath his cast. ‘Weird.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well screw what I said in the first note thing because I am going to update as often as possible because this is my way of coping with the abundance of stuff i have due


	4. Chapter 4

Connor was pissed. He was visibly shaking with pure rage. He needed to smoke. He needed to punch something. He needed to scream. Of course, his soulmate had to be a dude. Just his fucking luck. He was already a freak as it was, but being gay on top of all that? His family might kick him out for real this time. Then again, they were soulmates… they were destined to be together, right?  


‘Bullshit,’ Connor muttered, seething with rage. Why should he have to listen to what people said? The stupid writing on his arm didn’t mean anything. Connor Murphy, the boy who couldn’t love. Connor Murphy, the boy who couldn’t be loved. Connor Murphy, the boy who couldn’t even love himself. So why should this kid (Eli? Eddie? Connor still couldn’t remember his name) love him? Why wouldn’t this kid hate him along with the rest of the world?  


As soon as Connor got home, he stormed up to his room and slammed the door behind him, per usual. He walked over to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and began to scrub away every bit of ink on his arm. He ended up kneeling on the floor, angry tears falling from his eyes. Connor hated when he got this angry. He always started to cry. It made him look like he was anything but what he wanted to be. He hated seeming weak. He had to be tough and intimidating, or else he’d be the one getting shoved into a locker every other week.  


Then, it hit him. Connor only had one week until school started. His senior year, whoop-de-doo. In one week, he had to face the admittingly cute guy - his soulmate - again. And then, maybe Connor would hit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's so short! Longer chapters coming soon to a theater near you ;)


	5. Chapter 5

Evan felt… sick. Tired. Lonely. Depressed. Anxious. But then again, when didn't he? This time, the only difference was that it felt a hundred times worse. He sat on the ground in a daze, his arm throbbing. Connor Murphy had just shoved him to the ground. What had he done to deserve that? Evan’s senses were overloading. He felt like he would implode at any second. How many people had seen that? What had he done to Connor? Did Connor hate him? Oh god, why did everyone have to hate him?  


A moment later, he was being helped up by someone. A girl, he noticed. A pretty girl. A really, really pretty girl… holy shit.  


‘I'm sorry about my brother,’ Zoe Murphy apologized frantically as she picked up Evan’s bag.  


‘N-no, no, I'm sorry,’ Evan stammered, his words jumbling together. ‘I-it was my fault…’ Evan couldn't believe it. Zoe Murphy, the girl who he had a crush on for years, was actually talking to him. Crushes were seen as stupid in a world full of soulmates, but Evan prayed and prayed and prayed that Zoe was his.  


‘I'm sure it wasn't,’ she shrugged. ‘He's kind of a dick.’ Evan just stood there, speechless and struggling as he tried to think of something to say. How could words fail him this easily?  


‘Well, uh… I gotta go to class,’ Zoe spoke, interrupting Evan’s thoughts.  


‘M-me too,’ he mumbled. He watched as Zoe walked away, butterflies erupting in his stomach.  
Evan sat down in class a few minutes later, still shaken from the previous events. The fact that he shared this class with Connor filled him with dread. He pulled a pen from his bag and began to write on one of his fingers. It was difficult not to hurt his arm.  


‘I think I know who you are.’  


It was nearly halfway through class when Evan received a response, written sloppily on his middle finger.  


‘Who?’  


Evan wrote back immediately.  


‘Zoe Murphy.’  


A few moments later, Connor Murphy stood from his desk and walked casually to the door.  


‘Where do you think you're going, Mr. Murphy?’ The literature teacher, Mr. Temple, questioned.  


‘To throw up,’ Connor snapped, slamming the door shut as he left the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Connor began feeling nauseous the moment he read the first message that had appeared on his pointer finger. He noticed it about 20 minutes into class and had no idea how long it had been there. He glanced over at Evan Hansen (Connor had finally gotten the kid’s name when the teacher was taking attendance), who sat the row ahead of him and a few seats to the right, but Evan seemed to be lost in his head, only jotting down a note every once in awhile. Connor wrote his response, anticipating what Evan would say.  


Then, Connor saw Zoe’s name appear on his ring finger. Now he really felt like he was gonna puke. He stood and got out of the class as quickly as he could, trying to keep up his typical angry facade. When he finally reached the nearest bathroom, he entered a stall, locked the door, kneeled in front of the toilet, and just like he had said: he threw up.  


After he finished, he sat back on the cold tile floor, his back against the stall door. Then, Connor began to laugh. Loud, hysterical, teary-eyed laughing. Evan Hansen thought that Zoe was his soulmate. Oh, how close he was. Yet somehow still so, so far off.  


Connor quieted down when he heard footsteps outside of his stall.  


‘C-Connor?’ A timid voice called. Connor didn't speak. He recognized the voice immediately. ‘Mister Temple asked me to ch-check on you?’  


‘I'm fine,’ Connor replied coldly. Evan mumbled something else, but Connor couldn't understand what he was saying. He stood and slammed open the stall door. ‘What the fuck did you just say?’ Evan jumped back, clearly terrified.  


‘H-he also told me to bring you b-back to class or t-to the nurse!’ he squeaked. Connor plastered a smug smile on his face, although it truly hurt him to see the emotional pain he inflicted on Evan. Evan glanced down, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. ‘Y-your hand…?’ He said softly, reaching out to grab Connor’s left hand - the one with marker smeared on the fingers.  


‘That's none of your business,’ Connor snarled, quickly pulling his hand away and walking over to the sink. He washed his hands, Evan standing behind him and staring down in awe at his own fingers.  


‘C-Connor…?’  


‘What?’  


‘Y-you… me….’  


‘Just fucking spit it out, Hansen.’  


‘...Us?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha 6 updates in one day I bet y'all haven't seen that before


	7. Chapter 7

‘Dear Evan Hansen…’  


His typing was furious, trying to force the broken pieces of himself onto the keyboard as quickly as possible.  


‘Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year, because why would it be?’  


His mind kept playing back the events that took place in that bathroom, psychoanalyzing even the smallest detail. He didn't think he'd be able to walk past that bathroom again without falling apart.  


‘...Us?’  


‘Shut up.’  


‘But… y-you knew, didn't you? That's why you've been avoiding m-me?’  


‘I don't know what you're talking about.’  


(‘I know, because there's Connor, and all my hope is pinned on Connor, who I don't even know, and who doesn't want me.’)  


‘Wait, you w-were the guy in my hospital r-room, weren't you?’  


‘Shut the fuck up, Hansen!’ Connor screamed, shoving the smaller boy against the wall. ‘None of that is true! And even if it was, you're the last person who I would want to be my soulmate.’ Connor’s words hurt more than the wall. And Evan watched him walk away.  


Not even his own soulmate wanted him.  


‘Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe he wouldn't be different at all. I wish everything were different.’  


Not even Connor Murphy wanted him. This just proved that nobody did. Evan was truly alone in the world. What would've happened if his suicide attempt had worked? God, how he wish it had.  


‘I wish I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?’  


Why couldn't Connor just love him? What was so wrong with him that the person who was supposed to be with him didn't even want to come near him? Why couldn't someone just be there for Evan when he needed them? Why was he such a fuck-up? Why was he so alone?  


His hands trembled as he typed the last words onto the keyboard.  


‘Your most best, and dearest friend, Me.’


	8. Chapter 8

Connor Murphy was guilty.  


His heart was telling him with that, but his mind kept that feeling at bay. Outside the walls that he spent so long trying to build up. He wouldn’t take down those walls for anyone. So what made Evan different?  


Well, the obvious answer was that Evan was his soulmate. But somehow, Connor couldn’t accept that. ‘Nobody loves you, remember? You’re just a freak,’ Connor would remind himself. He didn’t want to risk becoming even more of a freak if the whole world realized that Connor’s soulmate was a guy. So yeah, maybe Connor was gay. Of course, he’d never admit that to anyone. The progress of society’s mindset didn’t equate to the progress of his family’s mindset, that was for certain.  


But still, he couldn’t help but feel bad.  


Connor shuffled into the computer lab, lost in his own thoughts. He had made Jared, who seemed like the only person Evan could really call a friend, tell him where Evan was going to go after school. Evan was bent over a computer and didn’t notice him at first, so Connor took his time. He studied his face closely, trying to determine what could’ve been going on in his head. His eyes were red and a bit puffy, and his cheeks were flushed as usual.  


‘So, uh…’ he started, causing Evan to jump. ‘How’d you break your arm?’ All Evan could do was stare at Connor in a terrified silence. ‘...Well?’  


‘I f-fell,’ Evan stated quickly. ‘Out of a tree.’  


A small smile tugged at Connor’s lips. ‘That’s the lamest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.’  


‘Y-yeah, it’s pretty lame,’ Evan replied, letting an empty laugh escape him. Connor glanced to his side, noticing a piece of paper on the top of the printer. He picked it up, and read the first line: ‘Dear Evan Hansen…’  


‘Is this yours?’ Connor questioned, glancing back up at the boy. He nodded quietly, and Connor returned his focus back to the paper, scanning over each letter. Then, Connor saw his own name. He continued reading, his grip tightening on the paper. He knew coming in here was a mistake. He had smoked a joint during lunch, same as usual. That was also a mistake.  


Connor crumpled the paper up into a ball and shoved it into his pocket, ignoring Evan’s feeble protests. Connor shouted something crude at Evan (exactly what he said, he couldn’t remember), then stormed out of the room. Evan watched as he left with a horribly broken look in his eyes.  


Evan anticipated Connor’s return to school the next day. He was going to apologize and say that he would never speak to Connor again if that’s what he wanted.  


Connor wasn’t there that day.  


Or the day after that.  


Or the entire rest of the week.


	9. Chapter 9

Like Evan had all those weeks ago, Connor Murphy needed a way out. He needed to escape, even if it was just for a little while. Nobody knew where he had gone. Even his family was worried. After the second day, Zoe wasn’t at school either. She felt sick, spending every second hoping that her brother would be found.  


Evan could only blame himself.  


‘It’s your fault,’ he would say under his breath. ‘This is your fault. He could be dead, and it’s all your fault. The one person you have, you lost. It’s all your fault.’ Then, a week after Connor’s disappearance, when Evan was sitting at lunch, an apple appeared on his arm.  


Not a real apple, of course. It was an outline of an apple etched onto his skin. The redness blended into the rest of his skin, but it was still there.  


It wasn’t even Evan that had noticed it - it was Jared, who had been talking about some new Lush bath bomb that smelled ‘absolutely delicious.’  
After Evan realized what it meant, he abruptly got up from his lunch table and nearly sprinted down to the computer lab, then Googled the closest (and only) apple orchard in town.  


Evan wasn’t seen at school for the rest of the day.  


He stepped out from his car onto the dry grass, staring at the tall wooden fence that bordered the orchard. The gate was locked, but he somehow managed to climb over the fence with his single functional hand. He walked through the unkempt grass, his gaze never moving from the tree branches looming above him. For such a bright and sunny day, the air had a certain eerie gloom to it.  


‘Connor?’ Evan called finally. He couldn’t see the end of the orchard, nor where he had entered. He felt alone, lost among the still trees.  


‘I’m here,’ he heard a voice reply from around ten meters away. Evan started running in the direction of the voice, then stopped again. He heard the voice call out again, mumbling something inaudible to Evan. The voice was above him. He began to climb, holding his casted arm against his chest as he tried to navigate the maze of branches. Then, his head hit the bottom of a shoe.  


‘Watch where you’re going, Hansen,’ Connor spoke. Evan gazed up at him in awe, once again speechless. Connor patted a spot next to him on the branch, and Evan immediately scrambled up to sit.  


‘Have you been here all this time?’ Evan questioned, studying Connor. He nodded, glancing away from Evan for a moment toward the ground. The pair sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing exactly what to do.  


‘What if we just jumped?’ Connor asked finally, his voice no louder than a whisper.  


‘What?’  


‘We could be free from this hell we’re living.’  


‘Connor-’  


‘What?’  


Evan kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to the gay!!!  
> Also its been 1 day since i started this story and i just wanted to thank you all for coming on this journey with me *wipes away tear*


	10. Chapter 10

Evan Hansen would go on to say that the bravest thing he’d ever done was kiss Connor Murphy that day. It was mostly true; Evan had no idea how Connor would react. It was the one thing that Evan had done without overthinking it.

At first, Connor froze. He obviously wasn’t expecting it, but after a moment, he allowed himself to feel happiness for once in his life. His arms curled around Evan, pulling him close. His previous thoughts subsided. Nobody could see them here. It was just them, and only them. There was no one gazing at them through a window. Connor was so blissful during the few moments of that kiss.

Then, Evan’s phone began to ring. Connor groaned with annoyance when he felt Evan’s lips leave his own. He was really enjoying that. Evan quickly took out his phone, looking as flustered as ever. Connor watched him with a smug smile on his face. The effect he had on Evan was amusing to him.

‘H-hello?’ Evan mumbled.

‘Evan, where the fuck are you?!’ Jared screamed into the phone. ‘You know I can't survive calc without you.’

‘I know, Jared, I'm sorry,’ Evan sighed. ‘I got sick and went home.’

‘Look, if you're gonna play hooky, then at least tell me first.’

‘I'm not playing hooky!’ Evan glanced guiltily up at Connor.

‘Uh huh. Whatever you say, Evan. Well, you might as well meet me at the Starbucks that’s like two blocks from school or I swear to fuck I am telling your mother.’

‘Jared!’

‘See you at three o’clock, Evan!’

Evan sighed as he heard a click on the other end of the line. He gazed up, disappointed, at Connor. Evan quickly told him what was going on, and Connor seemed pretty pissed.

‘Do you… do you want to come with?’ Evan asked before Connor had the chance to say anything bad about Jared. Connor quickly shook his head. ‘Are you going to see your family?’

‘I will later. I need to…’ Connor trailed off for a moment, trying to process everything going through his head. ‘Think some stuff through. Figure out where to go from here.’

‘Of course,’ Evan murmured. They bid each other a sweet adieu, not daring to kiss again. Evan didn’t know how his mother would react; they never really spoke about deep subjects.

Evan couldn’t focus the entire time he was with Jared. His mind kept drifting back to the orchard. To the tree. To the kiss. To Connor. He just couldn’t get that boy out of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay y'all so I love AUs so so so much so if any of you have a request for a Connor/Evan (or any ship really) fic you'd like to see I am 100% down to write that for you


	11. Chapter 11

The next few weeks passed by blissfully for Connor and Evan. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret, at least for a while. They wrote to each other every night, covering their skin with words of love. It was a pain to wash off the next morning, but to them, it was worth it.

They were happy, right?

So why did Evan still feel so anxious? Like the ground could open up beneath him and swallow him the next minute? Like everything that had made him happy these next few weeks could be ripped away from him? Like Connor would turn around one day and say that he didn't want Evan anymore?

Maybe it was because of Evan’s mom.

Heidi Hansen was a rare case. She had met Evan’s father at a young age and fell in love instantly. Heidi had always been clumsy. One day, she accidentally cut herself while cooking dinner for her and her lover. Evan's father received the same mark.

They got married two months later and had Evan a year after that.

Heidi was clumsy. Seven years after Evan was born, she was cooking dinner and accidentally cut her hand.

Evan’s father didn't have a mark on his hand. He admitted that he in love with someone else and had been cheating on Heidi for months. He and Heidi somehow weren’t soulmates anymore. He left her and Evan a week later. Evan feared this outcome more than anything. He didn’t want him and Connor to have that same fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a filler chapter but whatever. I've started writing some of the requests so expect those soon! Also, thank you all for such positive feedback; I love reading your comments!


	12. Chapter 12

‘Remember I’m going to Jared’s house after school today.’ Lie.

‘His parents know you’re coming over, right?’

‘Of course.’ Lie.

‘And you’re just going to his house? Not to the library or anything?’

‘Just his house.’ Lie.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

Every other sentence that Evan spoke to his mother was a lie. He hated it. He hated having to lie to her. About where he was going. About Connor. About every other little thing going on in his head. He had only two options: Connor getting mad at him if he told his mother now, or his mom getting mad at him later for lying to her. And Evan was the type to do everything and anything to avoid trouble.

Evan would think about confronting Connor, of course, but he would only think about it. And even the mere thought of confrontation made him want to puke.

When Evan got to the orchard that night, the place where they had agreed to meet, he had his mind set on saying something to Connor. The air had turned crisp as autumn turned to winter. Evan pulled his hoodie (it was actually Connor’s, but Evan claimed it the moment Connor draped it over his shoulders) tighter around him, the white drawstrings fluttering in the breeze. Meeting like this - in secret, without anyone knowing - was terrifying to Evan. The idea of being in trouble with any sort of higher authority scared him, but there was also a certain thrill to it. It was like standing in line for a rollercoaster; you were terrified to get on, but once you sat in the seat and clicked the buckle, you couldn’t help but get a high from the adrenaline.

Evan grinned when he heard Connor’s car pull up. He had gotten so familiar with the sound of rubber tires over gravel that he had begun to associate it with Connor. Connor got out of the car and hugged him, filling Evan’s nose with the smell of weed.

‘You’ve been smoking,’ Evan frowned, pulling away. ‘You said you were getting better.’

‘I got better before I got worse,’ Connor replied, forcing a smile on his face. Evan noticed the trails of tears running down his face. Maybe he wouldn’t talk to Connor about the lies tonight. Evan grabbed Connor by the hand and led him to the fence. They climbed over it together, then went to rest under a tree. Both of the boys were too tired to climb any trees that night. Connor fell asleep with his head in Evan’s lap, Evan running his fingers through his shoulder-length hair. It had been up in a bun earlier, but Connor had taken it out when the hair tie left an uncomfortable lump underneath his head when he was laying on his back.

Evan gently shook Connor awake around eleven o’clock. Evan didn’t want Connor to drive while he was still sleepy, so he brought him to his own home. Luckily his mom texted him and told him that she wouldn’t be home until the next day. Connor barely remembered any of this. The next morning, he woke up in Evan’s bed with Evan’s arms wrapped around him and Evan’s scent on his clothes. This was the closest to peace that Connor had ever experienced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hold on can we just take a moment to discuss obvious parallels between Rochester/Jane Eyre and Connor/Evan in both canon material and non-canon material because yes af


	13. Chapter 13

Evan woke up to an empty bed. That fact made his stomach churn. Where did Connor go? He fell asleep next to him last night, right? Was going insane? Has he just been dreaming this entire time? Did his mom come home early and kick him out?

‘Connor?!’ Evan yelled, voice trembling. Connor stumbled into the room, dragging a strong scent of weed in with him. The smell caused Evan to start coughing. ‘You realize that smell is gonna stick around after you leave, right?’ Connor’s only response was holding up a can of Febreze. Evan sighed and patted the bed next to him, Connor falling back onto the bed with a thump. Evan then spoke without thinking: ‘Why were you so upset last night?’ Connor froze, letting the spray can drop from his hand.

‘I hit Zoe,’ he replied quietly. Shame filled his voice while pain shined through the blue of his eyes.

‘You have to quit.’

‘It was because I quit,’ Connor frowned. ‘At least I was trying to.’ Evan’s mouth dropped open a bit.

‘You still have to keep trying,’ Evan said softly. ‘You're gonna keep getting better.’

‘You just don't get it, do you?’ Connor snapped. ‘I can't get better, Evan! I just can't.’ Evan thought it would be best to drop the subject for the time being. He felt stupid for even bringing the subject up in the first place. He always knew that Connor didn't typically enjoy talking about his feelings, so why did he ask? He should have just stayed quiet like always. Shutting up was how Evan avoided trouble. Why hadn't he just adhered to that?

‘Let's get some breakfast,’ Evan replied softly. The couple got up from Evan’s bed and shuffled downstairs, then begun to search around for something to eat. The kitchen was across from the front door, a fact that caused Evan to glance up every few minutes and make sure his mom hadn't suddenly appeared.

‘Did you eat all the powdered doughnuts?’ Evan sighed, picking up a little white box off the pantry shelf and tossing it in the garbage bin.

‘No,’ Connor said, trying to put up a facade of innocence even when he clearly had some sort of pastry in his mouth and a white powder on his black jeans.

‘Then what's that on your pants?’

‘Crack,’ Connor replied with a mock seriousness. Before Evan could retort with some sassy comment, there was a knock at the door. And Jared Kleinman, being the impatient little shit he was, decided to peer through the window next to the door. He made eye contact with Evan, then looked behind Evan and saw Connor. Evan watched as Jared disappeared from the window.

‘What. The. FUCK!’ The muffled scream came from behind the door. Evan cringed back, preparing himself for the inevitability of Jared making fun of him for his soulmate being the least-liked guy in school. ‘Evan Hansen, you better open this door right now!’ Jared screamed, pounding his fist on the door. Evan skulked over to the door, reluctantly opening it. ‘Why the hell is Connor Murphy in your house?!’ Jared stormed into the room, yet kept his distance from Connor. It was like he just found a dead rat in the corner of a cupboard.

‘It’s not what it looks like,’ Evan attempted to defend himself.

‘Ohhhhh no,’ Jared sighed, covering his face with his hands. ‘No, no, no, no, no, no. “Not what it looks like” is what you say when your wife catches you cheating on her with your somewhat-attractive secretary. Not when…’ He abruptly lifted his head a horrified look on his face. ‘No, God! No, God, _please_ , no! NO! NO! NOOOO!!! There is no way in hell that you two are actually… Wait, Connor, you’re gay?!’

‘So you’re so shocked about me being gay, but not Evan being gay?’

‘Well, I’ve kinda always known about Evan, it’s pretty obvious.’

‘Hey!’

‘Sorry, buddy, it’s true!’

‘We’re not dating,’ Evan mumbled, a blush spreading across his face. ‘We just have a very strong bond…’ Jared cocked an eyebrow at Evan. ‘...But not because we’re gay!’

‘No, not because we’re gay,’ Connor agreed. ‘We’re close, but not… that way.’

‘The only man that I love is my dad,’ Evan added, nodding slightly.

‘Evan Hansen, considering that your dad is the quintessential absent father, that is the gayest sentence that has ever left your mouth,’ Jared deadpanned. ‘So stop trying to hide it, you two.’

‘Anyway,’ Connor said, shooting Jared a glare. ‘I have to go pick up my car.’

‘Oooo, from where?’ Jared asked, mocking interest in what Connor was saying. ‘Wherever you and Evan screwed last night?’

‘Nope,’ Connor retorted, pausing in the doorway. ‘From your mom’s house.’


End file.
